February is the month of many things: the first flowering trees, student tours, and, most importantly, the month of the valentine. Swarthmore celebrates appropriately with a notorious tradition: Screw Your Roommate.
The rules are quite simple; you and another interested party set your roommates up on a blind date. (If you are the one on the date, it is referred to as “being screwed.”) You only know one thing about the date you are about to go on: you will be wearing matching/themed costumes. You find each other, eat dinner together at the dining hall, and hope a relationship forms. Not all screw dates are successful, but a surprisingly high number lead to some sort of relationship (mostly platonic, but romance does happen).
So what does everyone else do as this ritual goes down?
Everyone who remains un-screwed still eats in the dining hall. Watching people in bizarre costumes go about their business is almost as fun as being on the date yourself. The following is a live journal of my journey into Swarthmore’s dining hall on the night of the screw.
I enter and immediately meet my Chinese class classmate, who is wearing a truly fabulous amount of blush, waiting by the door. I have no idea what the theme of their date is. I can see hats poking up through the crowd. It’s going to be an exciting night.
As I go to sit down, I immediately see two friends on a screw date. One is wearing a crown and wings; the other is in all white with a headband. I later learn that they are a tooth and the tooth fairy.
Powdered wigs sadly aren’t usually a common sight, but there’s a British colonialist of some kind asking for more sweet potatoes. An Uncle Sam with a truly wonderful white goatee comes up next to our redcoat. I doubt the historical veracity of this theme, but it’s certainly eye-catching.
Passing by a table, I catch sight of a friend wearing a long, thin hat decorated with striped circles. I am confused until I walk closer and see her T-shirt has the word “Titanic” glued onto it. A nice detail is the large gash in her pant legs. I do not see the girl she is sitting with, but I am told she is an iceberg.
I have just been chastised for not being up to date on my animated films, as I asked my friends if the people downstairs were SpongeBob and Sandy. It was apparently a minion and evil minion duo from Despicable Me. I think my guess was reasonable.
“Masquerade” is one of the more involved themes; both participants are wearing feathered masks, heavy makeup, and at least one has a cloak. I can’t tell what kind of clothes the other has on. Eating must be difficult.
I see something new: a throuple screw date. Three members of the blue man group are shuffling past us to get more pizza. I’m so glad that screw is evolving with the times.
Lots and lots and lots of bunny ears, apparently for so many different themes. Disturbingly many, to be honest. I didn’t think this many people owned bunny ears. How wrong I was.
A massive cone made of paper ascends up the stairs. Wearing a cloak and hat about two feet tall, I have no clue what this person is supposed to be, but I adore it regardless. It’s incredible dedication to the date, making a hat. That kind of dedication is matched only by those blue people. (I am later informed that they are a character from Over the Garden Wall.)
I can see two Golden State Jerseys, and I am relatively certain that they are both Steph Curry. I appreciate the consistency, but I don’t know if simply dressing the same constitutes a “theme.” I suppose we must work with what we have.
I am 90% sure a Dr. Doofenshmirtz just walked by, but like a mythical creature, he disappeared when I turned to look, and was never seen again. I see no platypus. Perhaps the doctor is alone. How tragic.
I am leaving when I see someone with a duckbill walking with someone who is wearing what looks like a square. I am told that they are the “duck and lemonade stand” from the insufferable song. I am both amused and brought back to an awful song from my childhood. Someone looks it up and discovers that the song was released in 2009. Knowing that that song will be able to get a driver’s license soon makes me feel incredibly old. It’s time to go.
